Why is it better to
have loved and lost than never to have loved at all?
Joel and Clementine
both explore this question in the 2004 film “The Eternal Sunshine
of the Spotless Mind” as they, following their painful breakup,
undergo a procedure to have the relationship as well as any memory of
the other person erased from their memories. The movie focuses on
Joel as his memories are being erased and he, as he's losing her,
realizes that he doesn't want to. Even if the memories bring pain, he
doesn't want to lose them. He tries desperately to save the memories,
to keep hold of Clementine, and eventually realizes that he doesn't
care if he loses her all over again, he simply doesn't want to
forget.
So the question. Why
is it better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all?
Is it better? For those who haven't seen the movie, I'm going to
spoil the ending. Joel wakes up the next morning after the procedure,
not remembering Clementine at all. He skips work and meets her at the
beach, which was the opening scene of the film. They, after having
spent just a few days together, receive tapes in the mail telling
them of the operation and of their past love life. The film ends as
Clementine, confused and overwhelmed, walks away from Joel yet again.
He chases after her, determined to do something different this time
around, and when she says “I'll get bored with you and I'll feel
trapped because that's what happens with me!”, Joel looks at her
and says simply: “Okay.” He realized that, despite whatever pain
may come in the end, to have loved is worth it. He may lose her, but
he won't forget her this time. He doesn't want to lose something that means so much to him.
I have explored this
question on my own recently as I too have loved and lost. My story is
not a new one. It's nothing unique. I loved a girl, we were planning
a future together, but in the end it just didn't work out like we
were hoping. At times I wonder if it would be easier to go back and
stop myself from ever asking her out in the first place. I've tried
to trace back to the exact moment that things went wrong, and stop
myself from going any further. So the question here is the same: was
it better to have loved and lost than to have never loved at all?
Yes.
Yes it was. Even
though I've spent countless hours being angry, being sad, feeling
lost, wishing I could move on but just trying to re-create what we
had before, feeling completely frustrated and hurt and wanting to
forget, I still am glad that, above all else, I know that I can love.
I can be selfless. I can put someone else's happiness first. I can
plan for the future and be confident in that. I got a glimpse of me
being my best self for someone. Not the fake cover we put up so
people like us, the real me trying my hardest to be great for someone
else.
We didn't have too
many, but we did have some sweet times. There are days that I
wouldn't erase for anything, because they remind me that, however it
ended, love is possible. I'll always remember dancing to a cover band
play Neil Diamond. I'll never forget going for a walk in the park
after a long week of being apart. Or the time I walked through all
that snow just to give her a blessing when she was stressed out from
all her school work. Or that one time that we sat at the MC and kept
talking, neither of us wanting to leave because there was no one else
we wanted to be with. Or, the one I hold closest, the time that we
danced to Michael Buble's “Everything” and it was so, so great. I
felt confident with my dancing for the first time ever. And at the
end, when I dipped her, she leaned up and kissed me. I consider that
the sweetest moment of our relationship. I wouldn't lose those memories for anything.
Those memories tell
me that love is possible. They tell me that it was worth it. All I
can do now of course is just hold on to those good times, forgive and
let go of the hurt, and move forward with the assurance that love is
possible again.
I've loved. I've
lost. And I will love again.
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